The Dreaded Pink of October

As we move into October, the month of breast cancer awareness, there is one community that is filled with dread.  Oddly it is a community of women who actually HAVE breast cancer.  You would think this would be a month for all of us with BC to celebrate.  We are supposed to be the stars of the month.  Well, not all of us are.  The stage IV Metastatic Breast Cancer community seems to be forgotten and tucked away as we are suddenly surrounded by a cloud of pink ribbons.  These ribbons are supposed to save our lives but our hearts break a little every time we see one because pink represents hope, pink represents survival...  and we will never be pink.  We will also only see less than 10% of the money raised by all of those pretty pink ribbons actually making it to stage IV research for a cure.  So, yes...  we dread the month of October.  I was very moved by the way a fellow stage IV lady I met through a support group so beautifully presented the abrupt change MBC has made to her life since being diagnosed.  With her permission she allowed me to follow the same template she used to also share my experience.  So, here is a brief peek into my new life as a stage IV cancer patient and I hope that those who read this will take a minute to consider what it is like to have a terminal cancer diagnosis with very little hope for a cure:   

Last October I dreaded turning 46. This October I fear not turning 50.

Last October I thought breast cancer was curable and the "easy cancer." This October I know that it is like many other individual diseases and is fatal when it spreads, killing 110 Americans each and every day.

Last October I joked about plucking gray hair from my head.  This October I wonder how long it will be before I have no hair at all. 

Last October I saw pink ribbons and was proud that I always remembered to get my yearly mammogram. This October my mammograms are replaced with pet scans to see if my cancer has further spread.  And I now know that mammograms do not detect all kinds of cancer. 

Last October I remember thinking how brave it was for Angelina Jolie to do a double mastectomy so she would never get breast cancer.  This October I know that despite her efforts, it can still happen because no boobs does not mean no breast cancer. 

Last October I was annoyed because of the dreaded monthly menstrual cycle. This October I no longer have them and am enduring intense side effects of sudden, induced menopause.

Last October I enjoyed seeing all of the pink ribbons that spread hope for a cure across our nation. This October I know all those pink ribbons and all that money does nothing for people like me who will die from this awful disease. This October I know that Susan G. Komen died from metastatic breast cancer and I wonder how she would feel knowing what little money raised in her namesake goes toward actually finding a cure.

Last October I was grieving the death of my mother. This October I am grieving because I fear my children will soon be doing the same. 

Last October I was an avid book reader/reviewer. This October I can barely finish a book because of my chronic fatigue. 

Last October I could jog around the block. This October I am doing good to walk around the block due to extreme muscle fatigue. 

Last October my husband and I were looking towards a future where we would retire and grow old together and hopefully get to hold a few grandchildren on our laps.  This October my heart is broken, because I may have to leave my spouse behind. 

Last October my children were 14, 17, 21 and 22. This October my children are 15, 18, 22 and 23 and even though they are mostly grown they still need me more than ever. 

Please THINK before you PINK...  make sure your donations go to an organization where 100% of the money raised goes directly to stage IV Metastatic Research. Metavivor is one of these organizations.  By doing this you will give those of us who are terminal a smidgen of hope that they can find a way to make MBC a chronic condition instead of a terminal one. 
And watch out everyone...  we ladies who represent MBC will make our voices heard...  we want a cure!  But we don't want it only for ourselves...  we want it for our daughters, our sisters, our mothers, our husbands and our friends.  We want hope...  and we want it for everyone. 

‪#‎stageIVneedsmore‬  ‪#‎pinkisnotacure‬  ‪#‎iamsusan‬  ‪#‎researchnotribbons #lifer