The Power of Time

As I reflect on the concept of time and what it means to me,  the first thing that comes to mind is how much of it I have probably wasted throughout my life.  And, I'd be willing to bet that most people who have been diagnosed with a chronic or terminal illness probably feel the same way.  It isn't until our time on this earth is suddenly limited in some way that we are able to see clearly how valuable our time becomes.  16 months ago, when I was diagnosed with stage IV Metastatic Breast Cancer, I was suddenly transformed into a person who was always putting things off into a person who is now getting up every day with a new mission...  to live fully!  This didn't happen quickly, however.  It was a long journey for me before I was able to make peace with my diagnosis and find the strength and courage to live again.   
When I was first diagnosed, my world came crashing down around me.  The only thing I could think about or see was death.  In my mind, my life was ending.  I fell into a dark place of sadness and depression.  I became desperate, angry and afraid of facing the unknown future that lied ahead for me.  Treatments, side effects, pain...  there couldn't possibly be anything positive for me to look forward too in the years that lie ahead.  I remember thinking to myself that there was no way I would ever be able to accept this diagnosis.  I felt that there was no hope for me to ever find happiness and joy again.  I felt like a robot just going through the motions of life, but not really seeing the point in participating.  When you feel like your life is over it's hard to know how to take the next step.  For me, time had suddenly run out. 
Luckily, I am surrounded by so many beautiful people who stepped into my life as soon as they found out about my cancer.  They gave me the time I needed to grieve.  They listened to my fears, supported me, cried with me and held me up.  Eventually I began to slowly reach inside myself and find the strength to finally get up on my own.  I began to hold on to those little bits of courage and use them as my fuel to get up and face life one step and one day at a time.  I am forever grateful for the people who were there and are still there for me each and every day. 
It didn't take long for me to begin to reach out to other women like me who are also getting up every day and trying to live despite a terminal diagnosis.  The more I listened to their stories, the more alive I began to feel.  It was through their stories and how they embraced me with support that I began to see that there was indeed plenty of life for me to live.  If they could do it, so could I. 
I also began to see that something was terribly wrong in the world of MBC...  our voices and our presence has somehow been made invisible over the years and many are living their days in isolation as a result.  It saddened me that so many were in their final years on this earth and had little to no support.  After a while I realized that I knew exactly how I wanted to spend whatever time I have left.  I wanted to be an advocate for more research and support for those who share my diagnosis.  Helping others has always been my salve for anything that ails me.  And, helping to advocate is definitely time well spent! 
I started slowly by creating this blog so I could share my story.  I joined groups...  I listened...  I took notes...  until eventually I found myself thrown into a world of advocacy that has now begun to enrich my life in ways I never thought possible.  And I have learned the best way to create change is by sharing my story and allowing others to walk along beside me as I hold hands with cancer. 
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Just recently I completed training with the Living Beyond Breast Cancer Organization as a Community Connector.  I flew to Philadelphia both nervous and excited to meet all of the women I would be working with on this team.  What I gained from this training was truly empowering.  I found myself surrounded by the strength of women who had all faced a breast cancer diagnosis.  Some of us were survivors, some were currently in treatment, and then there were those like me who would be in treatment forever.  All of us had our own story to tell that was unique and different.  The only thing that wasn't different was our determination to do our part in providing support to those in need.  And, all of us want to help pave the way to a cancer free future.  When I came back from this training, I felt renewed in spirit, empowered and realized that time is not necessarily my enemy.  Not if I choose not to waste it, not if I use my time to leave behind a better future for my children.  All of us went home from our training having gained a few new friends, a new purpose and a shared motivation to support and educate others who are stricken by this disease.  When you look at this picture you can see that cancer doesn't care how old you are, your ethnicity, or how much you want to live.  It takes who it wants, when it wants and it shows no compassion.  It takes a village to conquer cancer.  And, we are stronger together! 

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A couple of weeks later I was given an opportunity to participate in a retreat for stage IV breast cancer.  This retreat was sponsored by The Casting For Recovery charity and it was the first retreat that was comprised solely of only stage IV patients.  A long time ago someone decided to use their knowledge of Fly Fishing as a way to bring those who have been diagnosed with breast cancer back into nature as a way of healing.  I didn't know what to expect when I signed up for this opportunity, but what I got out of this weekend was invaluable.  I was completely blown away at the generosity and compassion that these wonderful individuals had for me and the other women who attended.  This was so much more than an opportunity to learn how to Fly Fish.  It was a lesson in living!  It was a reminder to us that our time may eventually run out, but not today.  Today, we can learn something new.  Today we can reach out and find joy and peace by embracing the beauty that only can be provided by nature.  I learned that friendships can still be made, love can still be given and it is possible to still have fun.  I also learned that people are taking notice of us and our cause.  And when they do take notice, they embrace us with support, compassion and their time.  Time spent together with friends, family or even strangers is never wasted when we do it with compassion, love and open arms.  I wonder if the people who created this charity are even aware of the difference they have made in so many lives by the simple act of sharing something they loved with others. 

As I reflect on the last 16 months of my life, it has been one filled with pain, fear, anxiety and loss.  But it has also been filled with love, compassion, new friendships formed as well as the re-kindling of old ones.  It has been a year of having to accept that there are things I will no longer be able to do and that I have limitations.  But, at the same time there are many opportunities open for me to fill those holes with something new and just as valuable and enriching.  I can no longer hike the mountains, but I can walk along the river.  And, not only can I walk the river, I can grab a fishing pole and learn a new way to embrace my love of nature.  I may not ever be able to go back to the old Kathy I was 2 years ago but I can re-invent myself in a way that strengthens me and brings value to my life and others.  I can live...  fully... 

If I wanted to send a message out to others who have also been diagnosed with MBC it would be this:
Don't give up Living!  Don't let fear of the unknown guide your day to day decisions.  Your life has value and it always will until your journey in this life is over.  But, most of all...  Do not let cancer steal away your joy and happiness.  Cancer has a way of taking things away from us and we can't control what it does to our bodies. But cancer cannot have our spirit, our determination, or our ability to conquer and win all the small battles that come with this diagnosis. 
As far as what time means to me now...  my honest answer is that I no longer worry about how much time lies ahead for me.  Primarily because time will run out for us all no matter who we are or what we do.  I just want to be able to look back onto my life and say, I lived with no regrets. 
Time is irrelevant for those who live for others.  Because when you live to enrich someone else's life, you have no regrets.  That is the one thing I have gained since my diagnosis.  I feel so much joy when I am surrounded by selfless people.  I don't have to find joy on my own because they bring it to me through their selfless acts.  It is contagious and it makes me want to do the same. 
It reminds me of the movie Pay it Forward...  I have always loved it's simple message of how kindness is contagious.  If only we all woke up every day with only one mission:  To share love and kindness.  Some people do this exceptionally well...  I've had the honor of meeting quite a few of you.  These are the true angels.  They aren't up in the heavens out of reach...  they are standing right beside us all of the time. 

Planes, Trains and Automobiles! aaaaaaannnd Ships... :)

I will not die an unlived life.
I will not live in fear
of the unknown.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my choices to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more determined to overcome;
to loosen my chains
until they become a gentle embrace,
a comfort, a support.
I choose to be present,
to live so that which came to me encased in a cocoon
goes to the next as a butterfly,
and that which came to me as a butterfly,
goes on as the bearer of my love.

This is a poem that I wrote a while back when I was taking a writing course for those whose lives have been affected by Breast Cancer.  At the time I wrote this I was beginning to come full circle from the standpoint of early diagnosis when I did not believe I would ever be able to feel happy and content again to almost a year later when for the first time I realized that my life was not over.  There is still so much I want and can do.  I have now moved into acceptance and it has brought me a surprising sense of peace.  I know that one day my body will eventually succumb to the cancer lurking inside it, but until that happens I will live each day fully and will do my best to love my friends and family so well that hopefully my presence will continue to thrive and bloom through memories of our time together.  I thought it was an appropriate time to share this poem with all of you because this has been a summer with much to celebrate! 

What are we celebrating??  Well, for the first time since my diagnosis last July 2015 my PET scan showed that I am currently NED!  That means:  No Evidence of Disease

For stage IV cancer patients we know that NED is only temporary.  One day my cancer will progress.  It does mean, however,  that for now my cancer is in a deep sleep, not spreading and this is definitely something to celebrate.  NED is a little different than stable.  Stable means that they still see areas of active cancer but perhaps it's smaller or shrinking.  Or, maybe it's still the same as it was before but nothing has changed.  NED means they do not see any evidence of active cancer.  So, my medications are working brilliantly for the moment.  We have no idea how long this will last so we're going to take advantage of the time I do get and treasure every single moment!  This is just a gentle reminder that I am not Cancer free.  I will never be in full remission.  There will be progression at some point.  But, not today!  :) 

The second thing we are celebrating this summer is the big silver anniversary.  Yes, my husband and I are celebrating our 25th Wedding Anniversary this year.  Last year I was afraid I wouldn't see this day.  This year I am not only celebrating that I am here for this one but also because my oncologist believes that there is a very good possibility for many more.  I sure hope so. 

My husband and I celebrated our 25th anniversary in a big, big way.  We went on a 12 day cruise through beautiful Alaska.  Our first stop was the beautiful city of Vancouver where we got on our ship. 

Lookie, Lookie!  There's our ship:  The Celebrity Millenium

Our vacation continued with a stop in Ketchikan, The Icy Strait, Juneau and finally Seward.  From there we went on a 4 day land tour to see even more.  By the end I was exhausted, had swollen feet and nearly had to crawl home on all fours.  But, it was so worth the trouble.  We saw whales, eagles, bears, glaciers...  we rode in boats, planes, trains, buses and taxis...  we did it all...  and we loved it all...  but mostly we loved...  being together. 

What a precious memory to have shared all of these beautiful moments with the man I love.  My best friend.  He takes such good care of me and I so wanted to be able to give him the gift of my presence. 

I hope we get to do more of these trips together.  But, even if we don't, I couldn't have planned anything more perfect for our 25th. 

I really wish I could share each and every wonderful moment of our vacation with you but to be honest, the entire trip was absolutely perfect. The weather was warm and gorgeous and clear every single day.  A photographers dream in Alaska.  Here is my man behind the other woman in his life..  CANON...  lol... 

Every outing, every stop and every meal was a memorable event. It was almost as if someone somewhere had carved out these few weeks just for us. It was full of rare and memorable moments not only for us but for those around us.

It was as if the powers that be realized that we'd been through enough hell over the last few years and decided to grant us a reprieve. And, we were grateful for every moment of happiness we gained together on this trip. It was needed so badly and it was very healing.  It reminded me of another poem I wrote in our class:   

Healing is
Difficult but not impossible
It takes great courage and strength

Healing is
Accepting the Unacceptable
To continue living when it seems pointless

Healing is
Realizing you've never truly lived
Life is more visible now

Healing is
Knowing that you still have worth
You are able to still give, share and love

Healing is
Understanding your true purpose
Life is not ending, It is only changing

During our trip we had a conversation that I'd like to share with all of you.  Basically we asked each other, "Would we be sitting in Alaska right now if I had not been diagnosed with stage IV Breast Cancer last year?"  The answer is...  probably not.  If it's possible to have a silver lining to my diagnosis, then that is it without a doubt.  We have made a commitment to stop waiting to do those things we really want to do together.  If there is somewhere we want to go we will go now.  There is no we'll do that someday...  only, let's do it now!  I want to let people know how extremely important it is to take advantage of the present.  I know that I am going to die sooner than I want.  I have motivation that those who live not knowing the when or the how do not have.  And, in some ways I do feel lucky, because I do not want to waste any more time.  I wish that everyone would take time to stop and do the things that they dream of doing.  Because as I've said many times before, we are all terminal.  No one knows how much life lies ahead for them.  So, start living today!!  Please don't wait... 

We are both in a pretty good place right now.  We have accepted what we cannot change and are trying to make the best play we can out of the horrible hand of cards we've been dealt.  I will never have my old self back entirely, but cancer will not take my perseverance to live despite what it has taken from us both.  And, I will strive to be happy and not allow it to take my spirit.  It's so easy to throw up your hands and say, what's the point?  Well, for me the point is to leave something good behind.  Good memories, happy moments and a whole lot of love! 

Taking it One Day at a Time...

What if Today I was cured of my Cancer?

I might Climb a Mountain.

What if Tomorrow was guaranteed?

I could once again be driven by hope.

What if I could be that woman I used to be?

I would Love fiercely
Do without hesitation
Live life to the fullest!

Why did living have to become so hard?

This week marks the end of year one since my Stage IV Breast Cancer diagnosis.  It has brought on some very painful emotions.  It's an anniversary that will never come with celebrations.  Instead, it will only serve as a marker for one less year in however many I hope to get before my journey in this life ends.  When I think about how quickly this year has gone by it only makes my anxiety rise as I know that time will more than likely not be my friendly companion.  It's now working against me.  I want more, so much more. 
I wish that I could say to all of my friends and family that at the end of my first year of battling this disease that I am doing wonderful, life is bouquet of roses, I'm feeling hopeful and looking forward to the years ahead, that I am happy and full of joy.  I wish that I could say with confidence that I think I can fight this battle for as long as the medications I'm taking continue to work.  But, that wouldn't exactly be the truth.  My life has become incredibly difficult with each day offering its new challenges as the medications I am on slowly tear down my immune system and my mobility.  There are many days that I feel like I want to stop taking the medications that are making it so hard for me to have the quality of life that I so desperately miss and just let nature take its course.  The only thing that keeps me going really are the most amazing friends and family I have around me to offer the much needed support I must have to find the courage to continue despite the side effects.  All that I do, I do for my family and my friends and because I am not ready to let go of any of you.  None of you can fix me, but you can lift me up and you've been doing an amazing job.  I still need you, I will always need all of you. 
I've had to learn to let go of so much in the last year.  The one thing I have had to let go of the most is learning not to look too far ahead to the future.  I handle my life one day at a time, one catastrophe at a time and just take what small joy I can find from the smallest accomplishments.  I find that I no longer feel joy in the things I do for myself.  I find more joy when I am able to bring it to someone else.  I'm more prone to give and definitely more prone to be forgiving.  As long as I am able to at least bring that to other people, I think I can manage to stick around for a while. 
I have big plans in the next year to take advantage of whatever stability I get from my medications.  I plan to become more involved in MBC advocacy.  My goal to make sure that I do my part to make sure all women and men are educated on the truth of metastatic disease and breast cancer at all stages.  I also want to provide comfort to those who are in my position and help be a stepping stone for them and provide whatever hope I am able.  And, I definitely want to do my part in raising funds for research.  Research is the key...  the MBC community is the least funded and it is desperately needed. 
Other than that, I will spend quality time with my family.  I will continue to live one day at a time.  I will continue to battle each challenge that the days ahead will bring with all of my strength and perseverance.  Giving up has never been in my nature, so I don't suppose I'm going to start now.

I'm going to take the liberty of answering some questions for all of you.  Here goes... 

How are you feeling? 

Emotionally I am frustrated, scared, anxious and worried but also at the same time there is acceptance.  I cannot change it, fix it or get rid of it,  so I have chosen to move forward with the cards I have been dealt.  I have chosen to live my life fully despite my cancer as much as I am allowed.  Physically I struggle.  I have chronic muscle and joint pain that makes it difficult to move as quickly as I would like.  I have back pain, rib pain, hip pain and my feet hurt.  Some days are better than others but let's just say...  the heating pad is the best invention ever!  And, my newest problem...  blurry vision.  It comes and goes.  Sometimes I can see the TV clearly, sometimes I can't...  it's weird...  and aggravating.  But, I do what I can and then I stop when I can't. 

What can I do to help? 

The best way to help is to continue to support me with prayer.  And, to do your best to try to put cancer away and treat me as you always have.  Just with lower expectations when it comes to going and doing.  No, I can't spend the day shopping.  No, I can't share a bottle of wine with you.  No, I can't go on long walks and anything past the hour of 5:00 in the afternoon is probably not a good idea because I will likely fall asleep.  I might have to cancel plans at the last minute so please be forgiving.  It truly isn't you, it's me!  Providing dinners are nice because I am always tired.  Not having to cook in the afternoons is a blessing when it's the time of day I'm usually the most tired.  Other than that, just take time to check on me and see how I'm doing.  Don't expect me to always have positive answers.  My life is a daily struggle and I need to be able to be honest with you about my pain and my fears. 

What is your prognosis?

I can't ever answer this question unfortunately.  All I can say is that I've lost many friends in the last year to this disease.  In my support groups, we've lost over 130 beautiful souls since I was diagnosed last year.  Some of them had very little time but others had gained up to 10 years.  A few even longer.  All I can say is that I hope to be the best case scenario.  But, cancer will decide and let us know in it's own time.  Please do not worry about my prognosis.  Death comes to us all and it will come for me when it's ready and when I've completed all that I'm supposed to do.  That is true for everyone. 

I am very open about my diagnosis.  I am not afraid to talk about it and it no longer upsets me like it used too.  Please feel free to message me if you ever have any questions, concerns or just want to know how I'm doing.  I'm happy to talk to you.  And, it does make me feel better when people take a few minutes to stop and give me a personal message or phone call.  It means more to me than you could possibly know.  Being present for someone in need is the best gift you can ever give. 

So, let's close the book on year one shall we!  I am now ready to march into year two with the same steady perseverance.  I hope it's a good one but as always...  One day at a time. 

The Beauty of a Scar

I recently had the pleasure of participating in a Writing Group for women who had been affected by breast cancer. It was a very intimate experience working with these ladies and sharing with each other our deepest emotional experiences in our walk with breast cancer. I wrote a few lovely pieces that I'll share at a later time but first I really must share with all of you this magnificent piece written by Gerry Kearney, another beautiful lady in our group who has very generously allowed me to borrow her work. This poem touched me deeply and I think the message it sends can be very valuable to anyone who reads it, not just those with breast cancer. 

I look in the mirror at all of my scars.
I see the one on the breast of the 20 year old
innocent young bride.
Told if it was malignant, the breast would come off
I said, I’d rather die.
An immature reaction to what I thought made me beautiful.
A romanticized vision of a young Juliet lying in repose.

Foolish girl, lucky girl

I look in the mirror and see the scars on my abdomen.
The ones where a scalpel sliced so delicately into the womb
And brought forth three beautiful, healthy sons.
The scars that forced a young woman to wear
the matronly one piece suit in a time of sexy string bikinis.

Vain young woman, self-conscious young woman.

I see the scars above that.
The laparoscopic slits created when
gallstones grew like pearls in an oyster.
But not as magnificent or precious.

Older woman, pain-free woman

I see the scar of the biopsy probe. Its dimple a small basin
catching the water that flows down from the shower spout.
I look in the mirror and see the scars
across my breast and under my arm.
The scars created when the tentacles of cancer
were carved out of my body
Carefully preserving the healthy tissue,
but distorting the remains just the same.

I look in the mirror and see the scars where children lay their little
heads, smelling sweet and delicious,
while grandma reads a bedtime story and sings them lullabies.
I see the scars where they place their hands and tell me I feel “squishy.”
The scars where they ask to see my booboos
and offer a tinkerbell or muppet bandaid.

I look in the mirror and see the scars of a well-loved lifetime.
Scars that brought forth life; that saved a life.
A blessed wife, and mother, and grandma.

Grateful woman, thankful woman.

Never have I read anything that lays out so perfectly our journey from the young woman to the old.  I know that when I look back to the days of my youth I now wish I could go back and shake some sense into that young, naïve and vain girl.  We live in a world where beautiful bodies are given more value than beautiful acts and beautiful gestures.  We are constantly looking in the mirror and seeing all of our flaws and using those as the judge and jury of our value and worth.  But our worth has nothing to do with our appearance at all.  Our true worth is weighed solely on our ability to give, to sacrifice and to accept ourselves and others despite our flaws.  Our true strength lies not in our bodies, but instead in the depths of our hearts and our spirit. 
One of the first things I have had to learn to let go of as a woman with breast cancer is my vanity.  Even though I will not be losing my breasts, I have lost control over the changes in my body.  It's difficult to look in the mirror now and see the toll that battling cancer has taken on my body already.  Side effects that cause excessive weight gain, dry skin, dark circles under my eyes, tired muscles and achy bones are now slowly transforming me into this new person that I barely recognize.  There is no going back to that young, vibrant woman I was a year ago.   I have to remind myself every day that even though sacrificing my vanity and pride is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do, it is okay.  Because my physical body is not who I am.  My true self lies within and that person is still very strong and very vibrant and very much alive. 
I shed so many tears when I read this poem the first time because it brought on a feeling of shame.  It made me want to reverse the clock and go back in time to the days of my youth when I thought my scars were so ugly.  Four pregnancies, two of which were C-sections definitely took it's toll on my body.  I've always been self conscious about my stretch marks, cellulite and scars.  But now when I look at them I see beauty and a small price to pay for a life well lived. 
I've said in several blog posts before that I see the world with a new pair of eyes now.  I have also changed in where I place value.  When I sit and reflect on the things that are most important to me, giving birth to my children is at the top of my list.  They are my greatest accomplishment and my best decisions.  I was often chastised for having too many kids.  I was definitely chastised for having them young.  But, ask me now if I regret that decision!  I'm so glad I had my children young because it allowed me to see them grow up.  And I know how lucky I am to have been able to able to have that experience.  My children are a product of my sacrifices and I wish I could go back and start all over again so I could truly value and treasure every moment I had raising them. 
This poem also hit me in a very difficult way because the one thing I have always truly wanted and was looking forward too is becoming a grandma.  That is one of the hardest things for me to accept about my diagnosis.  I had big plans to be one of the most amazing and wonderful grandmas ever!  It hurts me deeply that I might not get to experience the joy of looking into the eyes of the next generation of my DNA.  But, I'm slowly realizing that no matter what my age or how much time I get, there will always be something I will be missing.  And, I'm learning to be grateful for the things I do have and have had.  Because that is more than some people get. 
I wanted to share this poem because I am hoping that those who read it will take some time to reflect on the things about their lives that matter most to them.  I encourage you to stop looking at yourself in the mirror to gauge your value.  I think you will find that what lies beneath the skin is more amazing than you realized.  We have no control over what happens to our bodies as we age.  But, we always have control of our spirit and our actions.  And, at the end of the day those are the only things that matter. 
When I look out into the world I see so many people wasting so much time and money on vanity.  I was definitely guilty as charged of the same crime.  I spent a good portion of my life worrying about my appearance, trying to stay thin and trying to stay young.  What a waste of precious time. 
I encourage all of you to stop and take a minute to truly reflect on what you would truly want to leave behind when your time on this earth is over.  I know for me I definitely do not want people to remember me for my perfect skin, beautiful hair and flawless body.  Instead, I want to be remembered for being a beautiful human being. 
Don't fight your age or your aging...  learn to embrace it and let go of vanity.  It is a beautiful thing to have lived a life where there are lots of scars to mark a life well lived. 

Finding My Way Home

Considering that today is Good Friday, I've decided it's a good time to talk about Faith and the struggles I have been having in this area since my diagnosis.  This is not an easy topic for me to write about but I think that everyone has times in their life when they must battle their conscience and their faith and what they truly believe.  There are many things that can challenge us and we all have a breaking point.  I definitely reached mine last summer when I was diagnosed.  Now that some time has passed, I find that I am not only on a journey of learning how to cope with this new life as I walk hand in hand with cancer, I'm also finally able to take small steps towards my emotional healing.  And this is slowly happening through the faith and strength of others. 
The loss of my faith is something that has perplexed me really, an unexpected response to my diagnosis.  Whereas many people find themselves drawn closer to faith during times of hardship, I found myself turning away.  It has been bothering me, but it's like that part of myself just completely shut down and I have been struggling to find a way to get it back.  I think that's what happens when you become overcome with bitterness and anger.  I've been having to drag myself through acres of muck to find my way back to solid ground. 
Everyone approaches spirituality differently.  I have always been a person who appreciates action.  There is a lot of truth in the expression, "Actions speak louder than words".  Actions are much more telling of a person's intentions and how they truly feel.  They also strongly represent a person's character.  Even though prayer is a wonderful tool for building inner strength and resolve, true change and miracles occur through our actions.  In many situations, prayer and action must walk hand in hand.  One is for strength, the other for results. 
I have met quite a lot of "casual responders" when it comes to helping someone in need.  If they can squeeze in a quick prayer for you on Facebook during a commercial break during the big game, well then...  they've done their part.  It's a kind of a lukewarm approach to spirituality that is disappointing.  It's not sincere and it doesn't really help.  I have never been able to be that kind of person.  I get it from my dad.  He always taught me not to be a hypocrite to what I believe.  He had a pet peeve with lukewarm acts of faith.  It's the one thing about my dad that has always stuck with me.  I cannot go through the motions of faith if I don't truly believe in what I am saying or doing.  And to be honest, it is the people who have strong faith and do acts of kindness with sincere hearts that always make the most impact on me.  There is something powerful that occurs when you are in the presence of someone who gives without expecting anything in return.  And, it is the best way to help guide people to a place of healing.   
Part of the reason why my diagnosis hit me so hard in the area of faith was primarily the timing.  I was already very angry and bitter due to some difficult circumstances surrounding the death of my mother just a few months prior.  I had lost faith in a lot of people and as a result was beginning to doubt that prayer and action did any good at all.  It seemed like the more I did...  the more I tried...  the harder I got hit.  Eventually, I just shut down entirely.  That tends to happen when you've been beaten down by life.  Sometimes it's hard to get back up, pick up the bat and prepare for another swing.  I think that I decided I was just too emotionally beat down to play the game anymore.  So, once I was diagnosed I just quit believing.  And, it's been bothering me.  It's been bothering me primarily because there was a time in my life a long time ago where faith did save me and my family.  I know there is power in having faith.  And, I know that I need to find a way to get it back. 
So, here comes the interesting part of my story today...  my mom is definitely with me.  And, she's been sneaky.  Anyone who knew my mother knows that she was always very devoted to Mary and the rosary.  She was in the Legion of Mary, she made handmade rosaries, she prayed the rosary often.  She and my father were both very strong believers in the power of praying the rosary and made it a ritual in their lives to pray not only for themselves but for others.  And guess what?  She has been throwing rosaries at me ever since she passed away.  I'll give you an example. 
This past week has been another exhausting hurdle.  I ended up in the ER with a lot of pain and a horrible case of vertigo.  After all of the tests were done I found out I not only had gall stones, but some of these stones had left the gall bladder and were now lodged and causing an obstruction.  So, I was admitted into the hospital where I would spend the next 6 days.  Hospital stays are tough.  The beds are uncomfortable, they don't let you eat, they wake you up constantly for vitals, you're being poked, prodded, evaluated...  it's exhausting.  And, when you have cancer it always makes everything a little more complicated and it takes longer for everyone to decide the best plan of action.  But, by day 5 the decisions had all been made and I was finally going into surgery.  I was ready.  The days had taken their toll and I needed it to be over.  But, life wasn't finished swinging the bat!  As I was counting down the hours to go into surgery,  I got word from my husband that he had an unusual incident of shortness of breath while doing his morning PT test that led to an EKG that was causing some concern.  He was currently being ambulanced to the ER.  Have you ever had one of those moments where you just hit bottom?  This was one of mine.  Instead of my husband being by my side where he had planned to be after he finished his PT test, we were separated.  Neither one of us was able to be there for one another.  It really broke me.  My husband has always been there for me.  I wanted to be there for him.  I began to panic and of course had to make some very quick phone calls to make sure we both had someone with us.  As I was sitting in the hospital bed, I was overcome with emotions and finding myself feeling very alone and scared.  The tears began to fall.  And right at that moment, a woman walks through my door.  She was one of the hospital chaplains.  She came over and asked if I needed prayer.  Yes, I said...  I do.  I cried, she prayed...  The Our Father, The Hail Mary...  and she reached in her pocket and she handed me a little hand made rosary.  As I grabbed that rosary and held onto it, I felt my mom there with me.  I knew that she was there because this is something that my mom used to do herself.  She would make hand made rosaries and she would give them to people.  She found a way to be there with me in spirit even though she could not be with me in body.  I felt such a profound sense of peace in that moment, and just when I needed it most.  And, this woman, who didn't know who I was at all was able to be used as a vessel because of her time and commitment to her own faith and willingness to share it with others. 
I know, I know...  some of you are skeptical.  But, I will tell you that this is not the first time this has happened to me since my diagnosis.  This is the third time that I have found myself at a very low point and I have been lifted up by little signs of Mary.  And, it is definitely my mom.  And, it is helping me find my way back.  That small moment in the hospital room brought me such a sense of peace with my faith that I had thought was gone.  And, I think if I don't listen, my mom will probably continue to find ways to throw rosaries at me until I do.  :)  Anyone who knew her knows that she was a stubborn woman.  She never gave up on anyone she loved.  She isn't going to give up on me, not if she has anything to do with it! 
As the day progressed I continued to be amazed by the generosity and compassion that I was shown by the hospital staff and I was reminded once again of the power of action.  There were a lot of these types of people around that day in large quantities, all thinking how they could do something to make things a little easier for us both.  I have always admired the doers.  The people who don't just say they care but they show it in small acts of kindness.  It all started with a nurse who felt bad that I was going into surgery while my husband was in the ER.  She started a process to find a resolution.  When I came out of surgery/recovery, I found myself being wheeled to a new room.  The staff had gone through quite a lot of hula hoop jumping to make sure we were both placed in a hospital room together when they found out he would be admitted overnight for observation and further tests.  And, I was so amazed that they had done this for us.  We were both worried about each other and they found a way for us to be together.  What a wonderful end to a very unbelievably stressful day.  There were so many examples of faith going on in that hospital that day.  People of action always amaze and inspire me.  And you know what...  those are the prayers that work.  Ones backed up with action.  I was not only healed of my ailing gall bladder, in many ways all of these individuals helped me to once again take another small step forward in healing my faith. 

If you think that visiting people in the hospital, praying with people when they are in need and taking the time to do a small act to make someone's life a little easier isn't important, I can tell you without a doubt that you are wrong.  The only way to achieve miracles is by our own actions.  I'm pretty sure that God expects us to get up and do the work that needs to be done.  He gives us the power, all we have to do is use it. 

As we go into Easter Weekend I will be spending time reflecting on the struggles of our week.  But, I will also be appreciating the small sacrifices of others that helped me once again survive another speedbump in my walk with cancer.  I am learning that there are some really good and sincere people in this world.  I find myself continuously blessed to continue to cross paths with some of them.  Sometimes they are strangers, sometimes they are friends, sometimes they are family, but no matter who they are, the world is a better place because of these people.  If you find someone like this in your life, hold on to them tight.  They are a treasure to keep.  And, make sure to show them some gratitude. 
I am now recovering from surgery and feeling better.  My husband is okay.  I'm surrounded by my wonderful family who always take such good care of me.  I am truly blessed and I am grateful for what I have.  I am grateful for the many sacrifices people have made for me to help me survive my cross that I've had to bear and will continue to bear.  I can think of nothing better to reflect on than this on Good Friday. 
I hope that all of my friends and family have a very peaceful Easter weekend.  I hope that you find some small miracles to help lift you up as I have.  And I wish all of you so much peace and love.   

The Five Greats

Last weekend my husband and I went on a couples' outing to celebrate my second good scan.  This is our new tradition.  We take time to enjoy our moments of calm while we have them.  We decided to go visit a nearby small town named Fredericksburg.  It's a small Texas town with a big German influence and a very popular tourist stop.  I love this town because even though it's touristy, it's not overwhelmingly so.  A perfect place to wander and relax. 

We stayed in this very charming cottage that was built in the 1800's that had been lovingly refurbished to rent out to the tourists who find their way to this historical town.  It was set up beautifully with treats, wine and little creature comforts to make our stay comfortable and all of the furniture throughout the house were antiques.  I loved it! 

There is something special about being surrounded by things that have been used by people so long ago.  I found myself wondering about what life must have been like back in those days and comparing how we live now to how they lived then.  Are we better off?  It's kind of hard to say.  In some ways their way of life was so much simpler than it is now.  Definitely less chaotic.  We are a generation that seems to be very busy going absolutely nowhere.  I wonder why we don't stop more often and truly appreciate what is right in front of us.  I wish I had done more of that.  But, you can bet I will be doing more of that now that I know how valuable it is to do so.  And we of course took some time to stop and smell the wine and chocolate! 

Only in Texas would you find a winery called Fat Ass...  just sayin'...  lol... 

There was one moment during our stay that I can't get out of my head.  It was Saturday morning.  We wandered down to the local coffee shop to eat breakfast and partake of the local coffee.  It was very crowded so we found a couple of seats at a long table.  It wasn't long before a young couple asked if they could sit with us because there wasn't any room anywhere else and of course we said yes.  Sitting at a small table next to ours was an elderly couple.  They were reading the newspaper together and just enjoying what looked like just another morning out of many, many years together.  I thought it was really interesting that in this one small corner of the world we had three couples sitting together from three very different generations.  The young couple just starting out with a toddler sneaking away for a weekend together while grandma watched the little one.  The old couple who had obviously spent a lifetime together and probably knew what the other one was thinking just from a casual glance and a facial expression.  And, then there was us, the middle aged couple.  We are somewhere in the middle of life, not really knowing if we are old or young.  There is a reason they label these years the mid-life crisis years.  And now I really get it because it's the years where our children are starting to not need us as much, we aren't grandparents, it's kind of just "us" now and we're trying to navigate our way through this change of life.  I'll never forget this quote from one of my favorite movies, Fried Green Tomatoes:  "I'm too old to be young and too young to be old!"  Yes, that's us.  Stuck in the middle.  Add to this my Stage IV diagnosis and unfortunately this adds a new layer of unpredictability because we also know that we have a limited amount of time in front of us.  It's like we feel the need to cram a lifetime together into the few years we have left.  We are hoping of course that it will be the 10+ years that some people get, but with no guarantees it adds a certain amount of desperation to every moment. 
As I looked at the young couple and conversed with them I was filled with a sense of envy.  I so miss those days so long ago when my children were nestled into my lap, holding my hand and giving their love to me so freely and without barriers.  On the flip side, as I looked at the old couple,  I was also filled with envy.  They had spent a lifetime together.  They got to see it all from start to finish.  It is an image that brings me great sadness.  It is something I would love to achieve with my spouse but that dream is slipping out of my grasp.   I am having to learn not to spend to much time looking ahead.  That is a dangerous place for my thoughts to linger.  It brings me too much sadness to consider the things I might not ever get to have.  I must try to stay in the present.  I repeat these thoughts to myself constantly: 

"Just enjoy the moment." 
"Just live for today." 
"No one is guaranteed a tomorrow." 

Even though I know these to be true.  Living by them is so much harder when you have daily reminders by your physical limitations that you are indeed facing a difficult road ahead.  And, each day draws you closer to the end.   It's not just a saying for me, it is my truth.  So, I can only tell you that I try, and sometimes I fail but, that is what it means to be human.  We always want more of something that is good.  And, life has been good to me.  So, of course I want more. 
Right now I am trying very hard to find balance in my life.  Balancing the time I must spend addressing my cancer and trying to find ways of finding normalcy where cancer doesn't find it's way into my thoughts.  It's turning out to be what sometimes feels like an impossible task.  No matter where I go or what I do there is always something that triggers a small reminder that it is there.  The image of the old couple reminds me of what may never be.  The image of a young couple talking about how their toddler is being watched by grandma reminds me of opportunities I may never have.  A jogger moving swiftly by me as I wobble around the block each day reminds me of that woman I used to be and can no longer be.  The constant fatigue and muscle weakness reminding me every minute of things I can no longer do.  It is a constant mental game I have to play that has me exhausted by the end of each day. 
I have always found that by reaching out to others who have it worse than you is a good way to find peace with most situations.  And, that's what I'm trying to do.  As I was sitting in the hospital this week waiting for my husband to finish with a doctor's appointment I saw a woman who was confined to a wheelchair paralyzed from the neck down.  I saw a young boy being wheeled by his mother into the doctors office thinking how sad it was that he's never known what it feels like to walk, let alone run.  I think about little Charlie who was the flower girl at my daughters wedding and how she never got to live a full life at all.  Her life was tragically cut short and she passed away one month prior to my mom's passing. 

These are just a few small examples of how I can look at my life and be grateful that even though I can't do what I was doing just two years ago, at least I've had an opportunity to enjoy my life to the fullest up to this point.  And, that is more than so many people get.  But, I'm greedy!  I think most people are.  We always want more.  But, at some point it has to end for everyone.  Either by age, or illness or tragedy it will happen to us all one way or another. 
This is the constant circle I find myself on right now.  Sadness, Anger and bitterness suddenly finds it's way to the front of the line, then the battle for control commences, then the good thoughts start to overpower the negative and then finally,  after a while, it's back to acceptance.
My husband said some wise words to me in the beginning when it was difficult for me to find peace.  He said that maybe if I tried to reach out and help others it would help me find my way out of the dark place I was currently in.  Helping others is a way to empower yourself and it will give you a reason to get up every day.  It was very wise advice and it does indeed work.  When I'm overcome with self pity, I reach out to others and it always helps me to find my center.  It brings me fulfillment and peace and reminds me that there is still plenty to do and a life that still needs to be lived.  We all need a reason to get up every day and that is mine. 
There is a book I read before I was diagnosed called The Law of Moses by Amy Harmon.  In this book the character Moses had a little thing he liked to do called his 5 greats!  It would be his 5 greats for the day or the moment.  I loved this and I think about it sometimes when I have a bad day.  I try to scrape up 5 great things about the day to help put me back on track.  So, today my 5 greats are:

1.  The coffee that helped me to wake up this morning because sometimes it's pretty hard!
2.  The comfort of spending time on the phone with a friend who treats me as if nothing has changed. We just talk about meaningless "stuff" which helps me feel normal and reminds me that I am more than just my cancer. 
3.  My cat who curled up in my lap and makes me feel loved by her gentle purrs.
4.  My daily Words With Friends game with my husband who never goes easy on me and challenges me by never letting me win.  He definitely keeps me on my toes. 
5.  The warm and beautiful day outside that you can only get in this part of the country.  My friends up north are getting snow this weekend.  So, I'm glad that isn't me.  Ha! 

The trick to the 5 greats and doing them every day is that sometimes it's hard to find things to be grateful for.  But they are there, sometimes ever so small, but they are right in front of us waiting to be acknowledged.  Even little things can matter in big ways. 
This is my list today but tomorrow they will be different.  That is the beauty of life though.  Every day is a new day filled with new opportunities for Joy.  They do not have to be big moments.  The little moments sometimes matter more anyway. 
Make it your project to take time to name at least 5 great things about your life each day.  I promise it will make you feel better.  If it can help me, it can help anyone! 

The Impact of Loss...

Today I have a very weary heart.  It happens sometimes.   One day I'm waking up ready to charge into battle and face the world with courage and determination to make each day count!   And then, suddenly, I wake up the next day and I am feeling worn down and lacking the strength to put on my daily armor that protects my mind and my heart from the wounds that fighting this battle can inflict.  I find myself just wanting to rest, to take a break and let my emotions rise to the surface.  I feel like my body, my mind and my spirit need these moments.  It's an opportunity to rid myself of the emotions that refuse to stay buried because there are so many that eventually there is no longer any room.  They burst back up to the surface like an explosion and knock me off my feet.  It usually comes out in the form of tears, sadness and a feeling of isolation.  These are the days when the reality of my disease hits really hard.  My sense of dread, panic and desperation that I thought I'd successfully pounded down into remission finds it's way back to the forefront of my thoughts.  Most of the time this happens when I hear of another MBC sister who has passed away.  And other times it's because I see everyone going on with their lives with no interruptions and I feel like I'm being left behind already.  I can't keep up.  It's just too hard.  So, I stay behind and try to find new ways to live my life to the fullest. 
One place I have found a soft place to fall are in my support groups.  I am a member of several wonderful support groups with 1300 and growing Metastatic Breast Cancer sisters...  and a few brothers...  because men get breast cancer too!  In this group we can truly be ourselves.  We don't have to hide behind our armor, we don't have to be happy all of the time, we can help each other with those deepest fears that we like to guard from those we love.  We don't have to worry about keeping up with each other or being left behind because we are all racing in the same race. We look out for each other and we form a bond that is just as close as if we were family.  So, each time we lose someone from the group, it's hard.  Today is one of those days...  we've lost another member.  And even though I never met her personally, I felt this personal connection to her and a personal loss that is hard to put into words.  Because her story is my story.  Her family's sorrow will one day be my family's sorrow.  It's becoming too common for too many people. 
Just to give you an idea of how hard it is...  since my diagnosis in June 2015 we have lost more than 60 beautiful souls from our group.  It is a painful reminder of how quickly this disease can strike and spread and take someone from you.  Cancer is such a bitch.  It's cruel, and it doesn't care about your feelings or how badly you want to live.  Cancer doesn't care how strong you are, it will bring you to your knees at any given moment.  It is the most powerless feeling. 
You might be wondering why I stay involved in these groups, why I would put myself through the torment.  Loss is guaranteed to be a common occurrence in support groups like this.  It's simple really...  we need each other.  We need to be with people who absolutely understand how hard this cancer journey can be.  And, as much as everyone tries to be supportive, no one can really understand fully unless they are going through it themselves.  I feel a sense of responsibility to help those who are also in my position.  I feel a sense of obligation to honor all of those we have lost.  It brings me a sense of peace knowing that at the very least I can try to do something to make a difference in the time I have left. 
As I've said in earlier posts, the hardest part of this diagnosis is the unknown.  When will it be my turn?  How much time do I really have?  Will I get to see my daughter graduate High School?  Will I get to hold my first grandchild?  It goes on and on and on... 
I know that all of my friends and family want to hear good news, and there will be many times I'm sure that I will be able to give them what they want in small doses.  It makes me feel good to be able to say: Today I had a great scan!  But, then there are still times like today when I don't have anything good to tell you.  Yes, I am doing okay for now, but so many of my sisters and brothers are not.  My heart hurts for them, and it also hurts knowing that this is what lies ahead for me when my cancer decides to rear it's ugly head.  This is a day where I feel very defeated knowing what lies ahead.  Sure, I will shake out of it and find my happy place again.  But, there will always be days like today when the weight of it all is too much to bear.  Cancer is good that way...  always reminding you of who is really in charge and who has the true power over your body. 
I don't have any real words of inspiration today...  I think today I am in need of someone to offer me inspiration instead.  I have to remember that I can't always be this mountain of strength.  It is okay to allow myself to grieve not only for those who have passed but also for myself. 
If I had any words of wisdom at all it would be the same as always...  love sincerely, pray sincerely, offer hope and comfort sincerely.  Be truly present in the lives of those around you...  it matters more than you know.  It is the only thing that matters...