Today marks the first anniversary of Kathy's passing. 

Kathy didn't face her diagnosis laying down and she didn't fight it alone. She touched so many lives with her advocacy and her spirit continues to be an inspiration. With that in mind, I want to share some info from an email I received from Theresa's Research Foundation this week: 

Her two favorite charities, Living Beyond Breast Cancer (LBBC) and Theresa's Research Foundation, have established the Kathy Townsend Hope Mountain Scholarship. The purpose of this scholarship is to fund two local recipients per year to attend LBBC's Hear My Voice advocacy training program to follow in Kathy's footsteps in being a voice for MBC. I attached a pic of the flier for friends and family in case you want to read it.

One of the first recipients knew Kathy from several support groups that she participated in. The following is her response to LBBC on notification of her scholarship - "I feel so honored to receive this prestigious scholarship. Kathy Townsend impacted my thinking and research of MBC. I never had the pleasure of meeting her in person, but met her in a group for MBC that she was administrator for and in several other groups. She was honest and supportive of the MBC family. She continued to post as her situation changed and how she felt from her heart. It was a sad few days for me when she gained her wings. As a hospice nurse, I've seen nothing but a heart of gold from Kathy." - Yep, that's my Kathy.

This past September, Kathy was remembered during the 7th Annual Metastatic Breast Cancer Conference in Salt Lake City. This is an annual medical conference with the Mayo Clinic, Baylor College of Medicine, the MBC Alliance, and Theresa's Research Foundation that includes researchers, doctors, and MBC patients to discuss advances in research, understanding, and new therapies. Kathy always came back invigorated after attending.

Last month, Theresa's Research Foundation in collaboration with Susan G. Komen of Houston and Pfizer put on Kathy's Retreat for Women Living with Metastatic Breast Cancer and Their Caregivers in Houston. According to the brochure, it's an opportunity for women with MBC and their caregivers to exchange ideas and mutual experiences about facing the challenges of living with MBC and discuss ways to cope and find hope in the present. "The retreat is named in honor of our dear friend Kathy Townsend, who lived a life of kindness and brought people together to advocate for issues important to those living with MBC. She wanted everyone who struggles with this disease to know they are not alone." - Right up Kathy's alley. She would have been honored. 

Who knew this beautiful soul would have had such an impact?  Love you and miss you, baby - Richard

On Finding Acceptance and Hanging Onto Hope

Kathy was co-chair for the inaugural South Central Metastatic Breast Cancer Conference held in Houston on October, 27, 2018.  The conference was designed by metastatic breast cancer (MBC) patients for MBC patients with the following purposes:  

1) Empower and activate discussions in doctor’s offices by presenting scientific breakthroughs and emerging technologies, 

2) Create a community of support for those with MBC, and 

3) To better quality of life beyond the oncologist office.  

Kathy was one of the opening speakers for the event.  She discussed her initial reaction after finding out she had MBC and how she regained her purpose.  To see and hear her speak in her own words, click here or got to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSgG5tKPPJY&t=4s.

Big thanks to Josh Newby of Theresa's Research Foundation for taking the time to put this video together for us.  For those who may want to hear more from the conference, a link can be found here or go to https://komen-houston.org/Houston-events/mbcc/. 

A simple act of kindness.  Below is the home made card referenced in the video that was given to her bythe Internal Medicine team after one of her hospital stays.

"Even though I can't control what cancer does to my body, cancer can't have my spirit."

"When you give kindness, you get it back.  I got kindness back just when I needed it most." 

"Be kind to yourself.  Be kind to others.  Always remember that you have value no matter how hard things get.  Always hold onto hope." 

- Miss you Kathy -

Many of you who follow Kathy in other places know this, but we lost Kathy to cancer on 21 December 2018 at 3:31 pm.  She was wife, mother, sister, aunt, confidant, mentor, advocate, friend (to any and everyone), and so, so much more.  We miss her greatly.

This blog was an outlet she used to help her process her journey.  She hoped that in some small way, her words would help others understand what it is like to have this terrible disease and maybe provide inspiration for someone in need.  As time went by, she wrote less on her blog as she devoted more time to her other labor of love, patient advocacy.  Still, she always meant to come back and share more insights from her ‘climb’.

As I go through her accounts, I can’t help but be astounded by the outreach of love and support from the many people who Kathy has touched; if you happen to be one of those people, thank-you.

I will be leaving a few final entries on Kathy’s blog as a tribute to her life.  Some will be things that she has written or that have been written about her that just feels like it belongs here.  If anyone has anything they would like to share about Kathy – a story, a picture, or anything else you have found inspiring, please send it to her email account, kattown40@yahoo.com.  For those who would like to donate in Kathy’s name, she has requested donations be made to Theresa’s Research Foundation (www.theresaresearch.org) or Living Beyond Breast Cancer (www.lbbc.org).

Richard Townsend

I hate the "P" word!

It's been 31 months since my Stage IV Breast Cancer diagnosis.  Yesterday I came home from yet another trip to the hospital for my monthly injections and prescriptions.  This is a difficult time for me right now because my last scan showed a small 7mm new lesion on my spine.  It's just a small lesion but it also means that I'm no longer what we call NED (No evidence of disease).  It also means I get to be scanned every two months now to keep an eye on it and praying that it doesn't progress  any further.  Progression is a word that is generally associated with positive things.  But, in the world of MBC it's a horrible word.  None of us want to hear the "P" word!

I've been having a lot of sleepless nights thinking of what may be lying ahead.  It's a waste of energy I know but I think it's only natural to allow my mind to occasionally go to that dark place.  I've been doing pretty well for the most part on my front line treatment.  I've had great quality of life so far despite the side effects.  It's hard to imagine a time where things won't be so easy.  Definitely even harder to imagine a time where I am not here at all.

It truly is a miraculous thing that I am alive today.  Research and modern medicine have given me the gift of time.  Sometimes I am overwhelmed with emotion because I know I am living on borrowed time.  Every day is a gift.

I've been reflecting on how much my life has changed in these last couple of years.  If I was asked to encapsulate my experiences since my diagnosis with one word that word would be...  LOSS.  

A loss of self, a loss of hope for the future, loss of normalcy, loss of friends...  many, many friends.

Cancer loves to take.  It feeds on you in bits and pieces until one day you look at yourself in the mirror and see a complete stranger.  Cancer has definitely humbled me in ways that is impossible to explain to anyone who hasn't experienced it themselves.  I am humbled to have been given the gift of time.  I am also equally humbled that even though my body is slowly breaking down, my spirit remains strong.

In my advocacy work I have met hundreds of men and women that have enriched my life with their stories, their friendship and their genuine presence.  I have also experienced the impact of losing many of these beautiful people to breast cancer.  Sometimes when I lie awake in the wee hours of the morning, images of them begin to swirl through my mind.  Haunting images of dozens of people who have now passed on but left behind tiny messages for the living to embrace.

I see my pal Jimmie who sat in the passenger seat of my car on a road trip while knitting one of her famous Jimmie hats.  A hat that she gifted to me at the end of our trip.  Jimmie was kind, generous and always made everyone around her feel at home and at peace.

I see Judy.  She's dancing on the dance floor with a big smile on her face.  I only knew her for a few short months before she passed.  But to this day I still remember her smile and her determination to live her life on her own terms.  Cancer be damned!

There was Sharon.  A wonderful spunky lady who joined me on a mission to set up an on-line support group for women above the age of 40 who have been diagnosed with MBC.  Starting this group made her so happy.  It was a small piece of her that she left behind that continues to grow.  She passed away within a year of starting it but I still maintain this group in her memory.  We call ourselves the Golden Oldies...  ;)

I see Natalie, Jill, Cynthia and Dee.  My Casting for Recovery pals.  All of us suited up in our fly fishing gear with big smiles on our faces.  We were all so happy to be out enjoying something normal together like fishing.  We laughed together, we cried together and we were women on a mission to live no matter what life threw our way.

I also see the two Joan's and my roommate Marie.  We were all definitely living life to the fullest on a cruise to the Bahamas.  Oh boy did we all have a good time!  We danced, we laughed, we ate a lot of food, drank cocktails, drank wine.  We tucked our troubles away and just enjoyed spending time together.

I see Sharon and Theresa, two of my fellow Community Connector buddies who just wanted to be an advocate for others.   I think of Sharon every time I see an emoji.  She was the emoji queen of our group.  Therese was quiet in her determination to make a difference.  They are both greatly missed.

And the stories never end...  there are dozens more.  With each loss of a member of my large circle of friends all living with Metastatic Breast Cancer I am continuously humbled.  It obviously brings to the surface the truths I like to try and ignore.  That one day it will be my turn.  I am both blessed and cursed to be forced to face my own mortality.  There is beauty and bliss in ignorance.  It's hard to live life with hope when you know that some things are not meant for you and forever out of reach.  On the other hand, because I know my time is limited, I don't hesitate to reach as high as I can for those things that enrich my life and the life of others.

Even though I feel an immense amount of loss from the passing of so many friends, they all had a powerful impact on my life.  They gave me the gift of courage.  Courage to get up every day and do the best I can.  Courage to try and leave behind a legacy of living that will haunt those I leave behind with a message of love, kindness and perseverance.  Without their influence, I'm not sure I would be handling my diagnosis as well as I am today.  Without them I would be much more afraid of what lies ahead.  There are lessons to be learned from the dying.  I recently watched a video where I heard this expression: 

"I no longer worry about how long I will live but instead on HOW I live."

What we leave behind is the most important thing.  When I take the time to stop and really think about what I want to leave behind it is not money or things.  It's memories of time spent together.  Having fun with the people I love.   I find that it is important to add into my life time for laughter, good times and selfless moments that lead to great rewards.  I have quickly decluttered my life and narrowed it down to only those things that are most important to me. Living life simply and slowing down the pace has allowed me to see many important things that I was once missing.

Since my diagnosis, here is what I've learned:

We are not in control of anything.
Life should be lived authentically.
Just because someone is dying that doesn't mean they are no longer living.
There is strength and wisdom to be gained with acceptance.
The three most powerful words I've learned:  Let it go!  Let me say that again...  LET IT GO!!

It amazes me how we hold onto things that keep us from living a full and happy life.  I wish I had learned to do that when I was young and healthy enough to truly embrace life more fully than I have.  I spent a good portion of my life worrying about what people think.  Letting fear dictate my every move.  Being forced to face one of the biggest fears we all face, death, has empowered me to truly understand how important it is to just let go of things that really don't matter.

So, yes...  buy the shoes, eat the cookies, drink the wine, dance in the rain,

CLIMB THE MOUNTAIN!!

Go out and live...  truly live your life.

Summer Blogging Challenge!

Once again I look at the calendar and realize it's been a very long time since I've written on my blog.  But, I guess in some ways it's a good thing.  I have been busy living and just haven't had much time to spend on writing.  But, life is calming down and I'm looking forward to getting back into my writing again.  And, what better way to start than by accepting this Summer Blogging Challenge by another blogger to answer a series of questions.
  If you are also a blogger and would like to join this challenge then head on over to Nancy's Point to find out how to participate. 

And, here we go... 

1. Share anything you want about your cancer diagnosis (or your loved one’s). Share your age, cancer type, stage, when you were diagnosed, family history (if any), your reaction, how you learned the news, or whatever you’re comfortable sharing. 

I was diagnosed stage IV DeNovo in June 2015 at the age of 46.  DeNovo means that I never had early stage breast cancer.  I have a type of breast cancer called Infiltrative Lobular Carcinoma which is almost never able to be seen by Mammogram because it grows in strings and mimics dense breast tissue.  The only silver lining that I had with my stage IV diagnosis is that I am ER/PR+ with mets to bone only.  There are many new medications available for hormone positive breast cancer.  Knowing that I have many treatments available definitely gives me hope.  However, knowing that ILC is not as common gives me stress!  There is not as much research devoted to ILC as IDC.
Hearing those words "there is no cure" is probably the most difficult and terrifying thing I have ever experienced.  In the beginning all I could think about was death and had the attitude that my life was over.  It's now been a little over 2 years since my diagnosis and I am amazed at how well I have accepted this diagnosis and have found ways to live fully despite the daily struggles with side effects.  If you look at the stages of grief, I experienced every single stage.  If someone had told me in the beginning that one day I would feel happiness and joy again I would have scoffed at the idea.  My life is hard, very hard...  but with every loss I have tried to fill those gaps with new ways to live my life to the fullest.  I manage to find joy in the little things and appreciate every moment. 

2. What is the most outrageous thing someone has said to you about your (or your loved one’s) cancer?

Well, this is a hard one to answer.  People have no idea what to say to a person who has been diagnosed with a terminal disease.  There is always this awkward pause when someone finds out and they fill the need to fill that silence with something/anything that shows how they feel.  I think the most shocking thing said to me was, "I'll miss you when you're gone."  I know the person who said it had very good intentions, but it was just the wrong thing to say.  I think sometimes just a hug would do.  Sometimes saying nothing is the best thing if you don't know how to put your emotions into words. 

For me, the most outrageous thing is not what people say but the people who suddenly disappear from your life without a word.  For me that hurts much more than the awkward platitudes and fumbled words.  At least those people are trying and for that I am grateful.  Not everyone is equipped to handle this diagnosis.  I'm still trying to learn how to make my peace with the why. 

3. What is your biggest cancer pet peeve? I know it’s hard to choose, as there are many to pick from, right? But what irks you the most?

All of those things that people say that are meant to be hopeful but only drive the dagger deeper into your heart!  Such as... 

"You can beat this!"  ~ Just don't...  don't...  don't say this to a stage IV patient.  It puts pressure on us to try to beat something we can't beat. 

There is so much pressure for those who are diagnosed with breast cancer to jump aboard the pink warrior train and be a survivor.  But I know that unless I die of something else, I will not survive breast cancer.  This is a fact.  No amount of pink washing, fighting, praying etc...  is going to change this.   It's exhausting trying to live up to the Cancer Warrior image that people expect.  Sometimes we need to put down the pom poms and just rest from it all. 

4. What is something you want others to know specifically about breast cancer?

Mammograms are not always effective in diagnosing breast cancer so doing those self check exams are so, so important.  I discovered that the left side of my breast felt firm and went immediately in for an exam.  It was discovered that I had stage IV breast cancer that had gone undetected by mammogram for several years.  Know your body and do not hesitate to go in for a check-up if something doesn't feel right.  Don't rely only on mammograms.  I had no idea that stage IV existed until I was diagnosed.  I also think every woman needs to know the risks of breast cancer returning so they can be prepared.  Knowledge is power and sugar coating the truth or refusing to acknowledge that it can happen puts women at risk. 

5. If applicable, do you worry about recurrence rarely, from time to time or a lot? What is your biggest worry today, right now, this minute?

I don't worry about recurrence obviously but I do worry about progression of my disease.  My worries are never with myself but instead with my husband and children and how they will cope after I'm gone. 

6. Do you feel cancer has made you a better person? Yes, I know this a loaded question. If you do, specifically in what way?

"How has cancer changed you as a person?"  I hear this all of the time.  It has changed how I live my life without a doubt.  I have many limitations physically now, so I've been forced to make changes in order to cope.  I do see the world through a different set of lenses.  I recognize more clearly the things that don't matter.  I let things go so much easier than I ever did before.  I don't think cancer has made me a better person, just a more realistic one.  If I said that I was never bitter, angry or jealous I would be a liar for sure.  In the back of my mind is always the question...  "Why??"... 

7. What is your favorite cancer book? (No, I’m not fishing for mentions of mine!)

I actually haven't read any.  :)  But I recently bought a book called The Bright Hour:  A Memoir of Living and Dying and hope to get to it soon. 

8. Besides your family, where do you turn for emotional support?

I have some of the best friends a lady could ask for who are all my rocks.  I'm also in some very good on-line support groups and spend a lot of time with the ladies in these groups.  I have my own support group for women aged 40 and above that also have MBC.  Moderating this group is my way of giving back.  When I was first diagnosed I had so much support.  I was able to bounce back onto my feet again pretty quickly as a result.  Not everyone has this kind of support so I try to make it available to others wherever I can.  Our group is called:  The Golden Oldies  Cute right??  ;)

9. How many cancer blogs do you read and why do you read them?

When I was first diagnosed and I was plundering around the internet doing research, I came across a woman's MBC blog but she unfortunately had passed away six months prior.  I spent many hours reading through her posts and found her words to be very comforting and inspiring.  I was a book review blogger at the time and finding her blog inspired me to start a blog about my own walk with Metastatic Breast Cancer.  I have found blogging to be very therapeutic and hope that it will help educate others about this disease.  Aside from following Nancy's Point on Facebook, I just haven't had the time to explore other blogs.  But, I would love to have an opportunity to mingle with other breast cancer bloggers. 

10. Do you call yourself an advocate? If so, what drives you?

I am definitely an advocate.  I volunteer as an Ambassador for Living Beyond Breast Cancer.  I attend symposiums and try to learn as much as I can to bring back to the women in the support groups I follow and moderate.  Making sure that women have access to accurate knowledge and quality support is very important to me. 

Sitting on the Sidelines

Wow...  it has been a really long time since I've written on my blog.  For whatever reason,  I just lost my voice for a while.  That's the way it goes though.  Life throws a few punches and you find yourself needing to hunker down so you can protect yourself.  It takes time to find the courage and strength to get back up again and get on with living.  The holidays were particularly tough for me this year.  I just felt misplaced, pushed aside and discouraged.  My new life of having to learn to sit on the sidelines can be a real Debbie Downer for sure.  Sometimes what a person needs is a swift kick in the pants.  A gentle reminder not to be too ungrateful for what you DO have.  After taking some time to reflect on my life I found a way to once again look beyond all of the negativity and find my way back to that place of acceptance.  I'm having to find a way to avoid those things that trigger sadness.  And, each time it happens, I take notes so that I can be stronger and prepared the next time it happens.  It takes a lot of work to stay away from the pull of negativity. 
When I think about what women in my situation used to face just a decade ago, it is a quick reminder that I am truly blessed and lucky to still be alive today.  Ten years ago women very rarely lived longer than 2-3 years after a stage IV breast cancer diagnosis.  It shows you how far we have come in research that I am able to look towards any type of future at all, even if it is going to be shorter than I hoped.  That one thing that I've been given is so much more than so many others were given before me and for many others who have more aggressive cancers.  Yes, this miracle comes with crappy side effects and a loss of many things I miss.  But, the fact that I am sitting here today able to look towards the potential for years ahead of me is not something I will ever take for granted no matter how hard or difficult the journey.   
I am still in the process of re-inventing my life.  I am saying goodbye to relationships that no longer work.  I am saying goodbye to old hobbies that are now becoming quite stressful and difficult to enjoy.  I'm saying goodbye to my hiking boots and my clothes and shoes I can no longer wear.  I am saying goodbye to the past I can't change and letting go of the future I can't control.  My focus is only on today, the present. 

 To my dismay, I'm saying goodbye to my memory!!  Yes, those who deal with me every day know that I have to be reminded constantly of every little thing.  Mom will forget!!  :)  Luckily we are all learning to develop a sense of humor about it...  mom gets teased a lot. 

I am learning some very important and invaluable life lessons.  One of those lessons is that living is accomplished in many different ways.  Just because I have many doors closing, that doesn't mean that I can't turn around and find new ones to open.  Learning how to live again when I know my life will be cut short no matter what I do, is so much harder than people realize.  Especially when the life you were living is no longer within your grasp.  Many people give up or fall into despair trying to continue being that person they were.  But, an important lesson that I have learned with this diagnosis is acceptance.   That person I used to be is in many ways gone.  Holding on to what I can no longer have only makes living harder and makes me bitter.  I must allow those doors to close and pour all of my energy into new hobbies, new tasks and new goals that allow me to enrich and grow into the new person I need to become to find joy again and to live a full life.   
For me, everything I do now revolves around my personal well being and my physical well being.  I've had to say goodbye to people who are toxic.  I don't have the energy to fight or argue.  And, that's not how I want to spend the years I have ahead.  I am finally saying goodbye to comfort food, sugar and all those things that are causing me to gain weight due to my lack of mobility.  I have to conquer this!  I have no choice.  I want and need to be able to be active.  I have to do whatever I can to ensure that I can enjoy life.  Mobility is important and I'm learning that it truly is a full time job to combat this one thing that is keeping the things I could be doing slightly out of reach.  I have very little energy for anything else right now.  But, that's the way it has to be. 
I hate sitting on the sidelines.  I like to be involved in things.  I don't want to sit and watch other people living their lives while I just watch.  But, that is exactly how I have been feeling.  But, when I stop to reflect on this, I do realize that I have come to appreciate the beauty that life has to offer from just sitting and watching others play the game of life.  One of those beautiful things is that I get to meet many other people that I likely would have never met or known who are also sitting on the sidelines right along with me.  And, it's not just people with MBC.  The sidelines is a place full of wonderful people of all ages, races, religions.  They are the children who aren't old enough to play and the elderly who are too fragile.   They are the people with other types of diseases and physical challenges all sitting right there with me.  All of us have had to find a way to live despite our inability to participate in those things that aren't within our abilities.  It's inspiring to be there with them.  These people are the true conquerors in the world.  The ones that persevere despite the struggles and hardships.  The ones that offer hope to what many would view as hopeless.  We empower each other and teach each other what is still valuable and important.  We help each other find a way up that treacherous mountain that would otherwise be impossible to climb alone.  I value and treasure these relationships and all that they have done to enrich my life.   
I have met and lost so many MBC sisters/brothers since my diagnosis almost 2 years ago.  Each goodbye is a blow to the heart and hits very close to home.  Each loss is a gentle reminder of my own fate.  But, as I walk along hand in hand with these men and women I now find myself empowered by their strength.  I am definitely inspired by their courage when it comes time to accept that it's finally time to stop fighting and let go.  We all dread that moment.  None of us wants to leave this earth.  But, acceptance of that fate is the only way to be empowered to live.  Accepting this fate means closing the door and moving forward. 
I am very proud of where I am today.  My life is so very hard but I'm finding balance and finding a way out of the muck each time I get stuck.  I'm doing this by saying goodbye to the old me and hello to the new person I am becoming. 
I am still here and I am going to LIVE...  I will continue to live until I can't.  I am hopeful that I will face the end of my life when it arrives with grace as so many of my MBC sisters/brothers have already done.  I will be thinking of all of them as I power forward and conquer each battle as it comes.  I will continue to live for them.  It is the only thing I can think of to honor their memory. 

Just Keep Swimming!

Yep, this is me as I face a new year living with MBC!! 

**Snicker**  Now that I've put a smile on your face...  let's talk about resolutions.  :) 

I do adore the character Dory!  I can relate to her in so many ways.  Well, I think all of us can in one way or another.  We've all had times in our lives where we can relate to the concept of having to get up every day and continue to swim even when we want to give up.  Life is hard.  And, just when you think it can't get any harder, it does.  This is when we have to rely on our inner strength, our inner spirit to carry us through.  It is also proof that the strength of our spirit is our most valuable asset.  If you nurture your spirit and keep it healthy and strong, it will help you through some of the toughest times.   Little Dory's determination and inner strength helped her to carry on despite her challenges.  It is a simple but powerful message and one that I now have as my primary goal each and every day. 

JUST KEEP SWIMMING! 

Not a day goes by that I am not told how good I look or how happy I appear.  Apparently I make battling cancer look easy.  But, it's not easy at all.  My life is a continuous struggle both physically and mentally.  Sometimes I wish people could look at me and truly see how much I struggle.  It's easy for people to take a quick glance in my direction and make a judgement call that all is well.  But, it takes a lot of strength and perseverance to get up every day and take a stab at normalcy, when normal is never truly within my grasp.   There is a price to pay for being kept alive by these amazing medications I take.  And, that price is sometimes a hard thing to accept.  I feel like I am now forced to sit on the sidelines of life.  Being unable to fully participate in the things I used to enjoy gets harder and harder as the days pass.  My brain gets stuck in a pity party sometimes as I think of all of the things I used to be able to do with ease. 

I used to be a jogger...  but now, I'm intimidated by a flight of stairs.
I used to be an avid reader...  but now, I'm lucky if I can find the energy to finish a book at all. 
I used to be a hiker...  but, my achy feet will not allow me such challenges.
I used to love to travel...  I still do, but it is becoming increasingly difficult to enjoy due to my physical limitations. 
I used to have control of my health and weight...  now, I dread stepping onto a scale and I feel a sense of defeat that I can't control what is happening to my body. 

These are just a few of the many issues I face each day that threaten to kill my spirit, make me want to give up.  I miss the person I used to be.  So much so that sometimes I am tempted to stop treatment just so I can have that person back for a little while, despite the risk.  And then I feel guilty that I would put myself at such a risk just so I can have a few minutes of normal again.  It feels selfish, but I want it anyway.  I want to hike and climb a rigorous trail with my kids like I used too.  I want to climb up a mountain.  I want to run!  Oh, how I miss the rush of adrenaline through my veins after a nice jog. 

As I face the New Year I don't really have any resolutions.  Making resolutions for better health and a more fulfilling life???   Oh, how I wish that were possible!  :)  No, that is not really within my grasp.  So, instead, I'll just get up every day and...

KEEP SWIMMING... 

While I'm swimming, I will try to find small moments of joy, small victories in which to celebrate and small accomplishments to feed my spirit.  I will do this as a sit on the sidelines of the life in which I used to be able to participate fully.  I will do this even if it is hard.  Giving up has never been in my nature.  And I refuse to let cancer take that part of me when it's already taken so much. 

Despite all of my struggles, I do have so much to be grateful for.  My cancer meds have been working incredibly well.  I can't tell you how blessed I am to be going into my twentieth cycle of my first treatment plan with no progression.  I am also still holding a No Evidence of Active Disease status!  Even my oncologist is amazed at how well I've been doing.  Yes, I am incredibly blessed and lucky to be one of the few to be able to walk side by side with "the stable boy".  Lol...  a little joke between me and my MBC friends.  We all want a date with the "stable boy".  :)  I know that this is something not to take for granted when so many of my MBC brothers and sisters are struggling with treatment failures and progression.  I have been given time that is not given to everyone.  I will strive to do my best not to waste it.  It is a gift, even if it's not ideal. 
I am also definitely blessed with a beautiful, strong and amazing family.  My husband, children and son-in-law...  gosh, they make me so very proud.  Each one of them holds unique talents and strengths.  They are all very giving, very talented, and I have no doubt they will leave positive footprints behind as they continue on their own journeys through life.  It is what every parent wants, to see their children succeed and be good human beings.  All of my children are exceptional people.  They are my greatest accomplishments. 
I am continuously grateful for the strength of perseverance of my husband.  It's not easy to be a caregiver.  He has to carry a much larger load on his shoulders now.  He has also lost that normalcy we used to have together.  It's not easy, and sometimes it shows.  But, he always manages to pull himself back together and does what needs to be done.  His commitment to me has not gone unnoticed.  I love him more each and every day.  I am very blessed and lucky to have him in my life. 

I know that I am not alone in my struggles.  So many of my friends and family are also struggling with illness and loss.  And, to each one of you I hope and pray that you continue to find strength in the coming year to face the difficult challenges of life with perseverance and courage.  I know it seems silly to compare your challenges to a cute little fish named Dory...  but, it really does fit the challenges we face every day...  don't ya' think?? 

Just keep going... 

just keep trying... 

just keep marching on... 

just keep swimming!